Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008
Somewhere in America
Dear Speaker Pelosi:
We saw you this afternoon announcing that the auto makers have come and gone, and at least two of them left behind large missives explaining why they are entitled to $25 billion of our money. We might underscore that this is our “hard-earned” money, as opposed to the money with which the automotive industry appears to have been awash over the years. Granted, on Wall Street we get astronomically overpaid for even mediocre performance (kind of like the senior management of our nation’s automotive industry, come to think of it…) but even this Vatican of capitalist greed has not come up with an idea to rival the two-headed labor/management monster that is the Jobs Bank.
We have heard the tenor of what the Motown crowd’s arguments are likely to be. As our dear departed Dad used to say: “You can’t kid a kidder.”
Once upon a time, we started our own company. People liked us. They not only liked us, they also trusted us, and they thought we were smart. This is what we call a win-win-win combination. Yet, every potential investor we approached asked the same question – and they asked it right at the beginning of the conversation: How much of your own money are you putting up? The argument we made – having learned it in our days as stockbrokers – was: you are only risking capital. We are risking our reputation! Surprisingly, it failed to gain traction.
The offer of the Motown Mousketeers to forego compensation for the forward year is laughable. After taking home tens of millions of dollars apiece in all the previous years – years during which both management and labor were doggedly not addressing the death rattles of the American automotive industry – the CEOs now offer to take “only” $1 in compensation.
Since the twenty-five billion dollars at stake is our money, we believe we should be heard in the negotiations. Here is our counter-proposal:
We have no illusions that we will personally benefit from any future profit the Government may win out of buying warrants on the US automotive industry. We pay our taxes every year and, though we think we have better uses for the cash, we smile as we write out the checks on April 14th and we thank God that we live in America today, and that we make so much money that we have to pay this much in taxes. It is a great feeling, even though we know that your colleagues, Madam Speaker, will waste ninety cents on the dollar on evil, pernicious programs like Fannie and Freddie.
Now to Detroit: These faltering giants have come to us like a stockbroker trying to talk his way out of a losing streak. “We’ll sell something! And we’ll buy something else! We’ll average down! We’ll take our losses! And we’ll…” As Shakespeare has it in Cymbeline; “I’ll… do something!” Never mind.
Here’s the deal, Motown: The CEOs and senior management of the auto makers, and of the UAW, sign full-recourse notes for their entire net worth. And no sneaky hiding assets in your spouses’ names, because they have to sign too. In addition, each executive – and all members of the boards of directors – must put their entire compensation, in cash, for all the prior three years into the Government bailout fund, to establish an equity pool as a guaranty against the $25 billion. They may have to sell stock at depressed prices, or mortgage their homes to do so, but that is not our problem. You want our money, here are our terms.
This program will extend to the UAW. The Jobs Bank gets cancelled today, and all Jobs Bank-related monies paid out over the last three years gets, likewise, turned into cash and deposited in the guaranty pool. As an added incentive – since you believe the industry will turn the corner – any industry executive or employee, any union member, can buy into this equity pool. The pool will be open for ninety days, while the Government starts feeding the cash into the coffers of the auto makers. For those of you who have trouble imagining the unimaginable, by the way, the amount of money we are being asked for looks like this:
We think that’s a lot of zeroes. We believe that everything to the right of that first comma represents our ultimate return on investment. But we admit to knowing nothing about the automotive industry, except that there are 2.2 cars for every household in America. Still, perhaps there is hidden demand. To us, it looks very well hidden indeed.
Here’s an idea we like – now that we are your partners, to the tune of 25 large: the automotive industry gets paid to retrofit all the cars now on the road to improve mileage and reduce emissions. If we got a tax break, for example, we would be motivated to spend two thousand dollars on fixing up the old jalopy – especially if the alternative was being required o buy a new $35,000 electric car in 2012 to meet the Obama Administration’s new Personal Carbon Footprint standards.
We should be willing to help out an industry that lies at the heart of what makes us America. And we should do so in a manner that incentivizes them to re-invent themselves in a way that contributes to society. If they succeed, we will be better off as a country, and as consumers, and they will be rewarded financially when they repay the $25 billion loan, plus interest, and divvy up the remaining profits.
If they fail, Mulally and Wagoner and Nardelli and Gettlefinger – and their families – lose their shirts, homes, cars, private school, limos, Detroit Lions season tickets, 401(K)s, IRAs, jewelry, golf club memberships, Detroit Tigers season tickets, golf clubs, summer homes, executive suites, corporate expense accounts, and those suddenly-notorious corporate jets. This is not harsh, vindictive or unreasonable. It’s called Capitalism, and it’s extremely fair all around.
Madame Speaker, we believe fervently in the creative power of Capitalism. You have our permission to use our money to promote Capitalism in the country that values it most. But, Madame Speaker, please spend our cash wisely. We beg of you, do not sell the patrimony of American Capitalism for a mess of pottage.
Very truly yours,
Director Of Compliance
RESEARCH EDGE, LLC
111 Whitney Avenue
New Haven, CT 06